It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
