And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
im on a boat
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