I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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