Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
