He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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