I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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