I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
