no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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