I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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