Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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