God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
