Define "chronic" masturbator.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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