Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
