Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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