there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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