Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
