Can Purell be used as lube?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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