I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
