just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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