bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
