I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm like, not good at living.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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