He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
There was a lot of him and a little penis
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize