call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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