So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize