I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
