My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
