I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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