Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
