there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
