8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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