No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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