i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
