Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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