dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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