Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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