Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Randomize
