I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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