you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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