You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
