I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
