i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
