Swine flu. Run for my life!
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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