What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
