god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
