Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Your cock deserves a montage
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
