my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
