its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
