When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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