You made me cry and you don't even care
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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