I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
