you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Enjoy the penises
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
