I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
