One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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