Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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