I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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